40 & OH!

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I have been addicted to various types of substances including crack, cocaine and crystal meth. I am not proud of these addictions, but each one has played a part in who I’ve become and because of these substances I have lost many friends, lots of money, my self esteem and my self worth, but more importantly I’ve lost myself and because of this I have not been a friend, a brother, a son or even a person in general.

recently a very good friend of mine lost his father and because of my addiction and what was happening in my life at that time, I put my life and addiction first and wasn’t there for him when he needed his friend the most, what’s even worse is that his father past away last year in December and I still have not reached out to him. At this point I don’t even know if he would accept me as his friend anymore.

Being an addict has altered my life into a zombie shell of an existence. I have became a nonexistent factor in my first godchildren’s lives, although a good portion of that was due to work and living in L.A. and being married to narcissist, but its no excuse. for my second godsons baptism, I was on a crack bender the night before and didn’t sleep, and when I did sleep I was awakened by a phone call asking me where I was. I missed his entire baptism and only showed up to the party afterwards looking like crap.

It’s Because of my addiction that I’m barely even a friend to anyone nowadays. It’s because of my addiction that I don’t even go anywhere anymore. From always wanting to have fun and exploring the world, I would eventually go into selective participation of events or i would simply just flake on people in general, i just wouldnt show up. most of the time having little to no remorse for my actions, i wouldnt even give them, these people that i call friends the courtesy of a phone call as to why i missed their party, even after telling them “yea ill be there. ill show up i promise” only to go home and be alone numbing the pain and reality around me.

One thing I’ve always wondered was and have even said to people is “how can someone become addicted to stuff?”. most would tell me that people have an addictive nature, which I always thought was bogus for the mere fact that I have been able to quit any substance. most of the time cold turkey and not really experiencing any of the withdrawals that people have claimed or said that they have gone through. I’ve had conversations with people about someone they knew or even themselves being addicted to substances to the point where it has ruined their lives or worse.

At times while speaking to them, I would say “see I don’t get that, yeah I’ve been addicted to stuff but I have always been able to quit them”, sometimes I would even be using while talking to them on the phone and even though I consider myself lucky to have been able to quit allot of these substances, every time I would quit it has always been with the help of medicinal marijuana. something I have always been an advocate for and will always continue to advocate.

For the most part I’ve been able to retain some cognitive skill by learning and relearning everything both old and new and have been able to function on a passable daily level or at least attempt to. being an addict while using and trying to live a normal life is a task all on its own. I’ve known people that refer to themselves as a functioning addict. during employment I’ve snorted cocaine, taken acid, LSD, mushrooms and even smoked cannabis either before or during work hours. I even drove to a job interview for target and was hired right then and there on the spot while being under the influence of crystal meth. Yea wrap your head around that one.

so in doing that does that make me a functioning addict? maybe. do people you work with know if your using but yet, you really don’t act like the typical addict while being altered? you bet they do. during a shift, I had been smoking crystal meth. Once I was finished I freshened up and began to do my work as normal trying not to look or talk to anyone, but the problem with crystal meth is that it raises your body temperature and makes you sweat profusely with any little movement that you do. then you factor in the chemical smell from the drug mixed in with your own body’s natural scent permeating the air around, and the glossy eyes and having to move in between others in a close proximity then it becomes difficult to prove yourself different.

when an addict is judged by society there always seem to be that one universal mindset. the one conclusion that everyone always seems to think led a person to a life of addiction, and that’s no love from the family. while for some that maybe true but for others like myself it didn’t happen that way. I was loved. I was cared for. my family loved me, I always tell people since I had my mom, her sister and my grandmother raise me, that I’m housebroken. that I was always taught to speak when spoken to, always taught to respect your adults and never talk back and so forth. so yea I had a pretty awesome child hood. I was never abused or molested by family. I never had an absent parent or an adult, and to this day i still havent met my father which had no traumatic emphasis on my life, because I was taken care of.

when I first began using it started with pot. now most would say “well there you go that’s why your a junkie cause marijuana opens the floodgates to other drugs” “um no that’s not the truth at all” I may have started smoking marijuana first but it wasn’t until I was like 18-19 when I went full time with it. it didn’t lead me to open any other so called “gates”, it was My own mental acquisitiveness that led me to try all other substances, in fact cannabis would be the only “substance” that would allow me to ceded allot of the heavier substances. When I stopped using cocaine, marijuana would help alleviate allot of the upper stimulant portion of the drug allowing me to finally sleep and eat. when I stopped using crack, again marijuana would help in alleviating the stimulant portion of the drug and allowing me to sleep and eat.

Now when I had to quit crystal meth it would not only prove to be a challenge but it would also prove to be a mission that just had to be accomplished. yea marijuana helped alleviate most of its effects but it also enhanced them as well and when combined, the effects can be overstimulating. when it comes to drugs each and every person is affected differently. for some, they get violent and lose control of the world around them. others begin to have mental problems to the point of hearing things or seeing things that aren’t really there. then there are others who use and nothing bad happens. they don’t go out robbing others, they don’t rape or kill, they don’t run outside and think they are indestructible and try to destroy the world, all that happens to them is the euphoric side of the drug the part that makes you feel good, the part that makes you all tingly, the part that says “lets just chill and have a good time” and for me that’s how crystal meth made me feel, in fact with all the drugs I’ve done I never got the urge to destroy or harm. I just wanted to have sex cause that’s the feeling I always got. cocaine? sex’ crack? sex. crystal meth? sex. every stimulant I have ever used always in the end made me horny and that was the effect I always got from using the harder substances.

with everything that’s gone up my nose or through my lungs, the one thing I can say and be proud of is the fact that I’ve never slammed or shot anything up into my veins and if I was to shoot up it would only be morphine. cause honestly I’m scared to use a needle, I don’t like getting shots and I also don’t want to be hooked on heroin or any other intravenous drug, I can barely afford one habit much less two.

as for the way society views an addict I can truly say that I am grateful that I never lost control nor have gotten out of control, I never became homeless, I never got arrested or had to do anything demeaning or place myself in a situation where I had to degrade myself just to get a hit or freebie. And even though I admitted to being the one thing that I swore to never become it really does feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders in admitting all of this to you.

I know there will be people who will look at me in a different light now after reading all of this, even if they hadn’t done so or did so before and that’s ok you can judge me all you want, you can view me how ever you want, you can even call me whatever the fuck you want, I don’t care, cause deep down I know that I am trying my best and even though it’s been an arduous road, I still find the courage and strength to wake up everyday and take the abuse of this world and this thing called life.

You may deal with your life moments differently but at the end of the day this was how I dealt with mine, because it was easy for me to just hide and numb it all away so that I wouldn’t have to feel or care about anything, so that I wouldn’t have to deal with whatever hell that life had decided to throw at me that day, i just didnt want to feel anymore, i gave up and i just didnt care anymore. I used for the sole purpose of escaping my everyday reality and life because it wasn’t as pleasant as I always made it seem and even though I was always smiling on the outside, I was depressed and lonely on the inside struggling to keep my mind from breaking down and breaking me.

one last thing I would like to say is this. This disease of addiction can be an uncontrollable pain in the ass, especially when it comes to the people and things you love and cherish the most. So please if there is anyone that you love whether it be family, friends or that special someone, please remember these 7 aspects of an addicts life and how each one affects us.